Wednesday, January 15, 2014

How to fit in...

In life, at least in mine,  it's been all about fitting in. Fitting in the right group, fitting in at work, fitting in as a parent, fitting in a suitcase...

These days it seems impossible for me to fit in anywhere. We didn't fit in our NY apt. I don't fit in Miami, we most certainly won't be able to fit in out four months of living in the US in 4 suitcases. I guess in life you can't plan, you can't trust life is going to take you the path you envisioned yourself taking. It's been 4 months of instability, 4 months of second guessing, 4 moths of not having the kids at School, 4 months of not having a car and for that matter 4 months I lost my drivers license as it expired on my 34th birthday. I haven't been able to renew since there's not an address I live in. I don't have a zip code.

One thing I've learned besides I will become a Korean citizen soon... I mean after you take a drivers test in Korea you might as well become Korean right. I think I drive way better than anyone down there... you reckless drivers!!! : )

Sometimes you look at other peoples life and wonder and dream... I will tell you, for all of those who wonder. My life is but a dream. Yes, I have a wonderful family. I have an amazing husband who with all his faults is ALWAYS there for me, for us. But he has his very own, VERY his life outside us. He's busy, he works hard. He comes home tired.  I'm just there, sitting, waiting, wanting...

This was the year I realized my partner and I have different dreams. I can't speak for him, so I can't tell you his , but I can tell you mine.

These days, I want to settle. I want a home to grow old. I want a wall where I can hang our pictures. I want furniture that's a little better than having new ones on our next city. I want to be friends with other Mom's that have things in common with me. I want my kids to have sleep overs with friends he's known for more than a year and their parents know us well... although you can never know someone too well. That's a fact.
I dream with a house with a white picket fence. I have 2 dogs in this dream, and quite frankly I never thought I said this but yes, I dream with a mini van. OH... how convenient they are! Sean has a work rental, four suitcases remember. : )


  I wish you saw us, all Ray Ban/ All Sainted, skinny jeans and perfectly barbered hair stepping out of our automatic door black minivan, shaking up crumbs and overspilled popcorn from the very short drive that will require endless amounts of snacks and PP stops. We get all kinds of stares, specially at the Ihop, where we definitely don't fit in. I mean seriously, what family of four can finish a whole jar of OJ on one sit. the one I buy at the market lasts a week or more. I mean, how many PP stops will we have to make after that jar! No thank you, we share a cup.
Sorry Olivia, potty training won't come in anytime soon.
Yeah long story short, the car is pretty dirty inside. But anytime we step foot on it we're as happy as happy could be. It means we have a couple hours to be a family. To be all together. I mean the drive from Miami to Orlando is 4 1/2 half hours and we've been going up there pretty often. That mini van is our home. My time to have un-tired conversations. Marky's time to sing out loud to One Republic and Olivia's time to be counting stars while endlessly pressing her little mermaid necklace that sings and she plays the cover pretty well... ahh-ahh-ahh ahh-ahh-ahh..... Anyone sleepy yet... you will be with this long ass post.

So I've been grieving. For the past month I've been grieving the life I have to give up, cause circumstances just won't give me what I want if not at a price and that at a very expensive one.
I'd rather have nothing than a broken family. I'd rather look forward with a dream that might be, than sit and dwell and loose it all.
In the end I feel like we still have time to make these dreams come true. We're old, but we're not that old.... TIME is so short after you have kids, It seems quite impossible to have only 100 years to live.

That's what these past four months have thought me. I've learned to stop wanting. I've been wanting too much. When you want so much, you run the chance of loosing what you already have and what I have is pretty awesome. I mean think about it. I can't wait to see what cities we'll visit this year!

I realized I might have to continue with my education because at some point, I might have to stay homeschooling my kids. I believe stability is key for a healthy life, and it looks like this is the path I'm heading. Plus international Schools out there are Soooooo fkng expensive. We definitely can afford two kids in School. We got like 4 years still for Olivia to hit the expensive numbers. ughhhh....

I realized I have to adjust myself from wanting a regular joe/traditional lifestyle. Because we're anything but that. We are the definition of Modern family. With our mixed culture background and our never ending moving ways. We're open to change and that's a modern term. To be open. To be free. To be accepting, to be contempt, to be willing. I'm willing, so here we go again.

As I take a break from packing our four months in our four suitcases, I take a break and I feel freer that ever, writing this post. I'm writing to you with an open heart so you know where I stand. Cause it's been four months since the last post and a lot happened in four months. As for now I'm just looking forward to finding a zip code where I can ship our four boxes that refuse to fit in our luggage.  Helloooo.... no one told Santa to go crazy with Christmas gifts!

I can't wait to share with you the new experiences life will bring this new year. Thank you for always being there for me, for reading me and encouraging me to keep up the good work. What's better than being an inspiration to others. Now if you like my pictures, please don't save the one with my kids in it. These are mine, and it's not cool at all to find your kids pictures in another site, even if it's a cute mixed kids site. I'm water marking all my pics now. So If I find you... know I'm here... always.

Thank you for inspiring me! I look forward to making you part of my new dreams.!


Editing pictures right now, will post a picture only with many, many more pics...  soon. : )


Yolanda said...

You are amazing! Thanks for this post; it is exactly what I needed. :)

Tania said...

Thank you for the comment! : )

Margie Segarra said...

Tania, that post is beautiful. So proud of you. I've seen you grow up as a child and here you are as a growing mother and wife. You are truly the best mom in the world because you never leave your children behind to follow your dreams. It's all for their futher happiness and stabality. You are also a great wife because you follow your husband along with your children to fulfil his dreams. God bless you and your beautiful family always...And don't forget, it's never too late to have what you want. The sky is the limit. You are a trouper.

Love, Leilani O. said...

Hey Tania! Great post! Beautiful pics throughout! Thanks for pouring your heart out! Sometimes, we need to hear what other moms' dreams and aspirations are, and realize they are not too different from our own! You have a beautiful heart, a unique and and captivating creative spirit and and a truly amazing eye for photography might I add! Thanks for letting us follow your truly unique adventure through life! God bless you and your beautiful family! Enjoy going "home!"

Carmen said...

Wow! Que manera tan perfecta de describir tu vida y tus sentimientos! Mientras leia, lagrimas seguian bajando y me transportaba contigo en las 4 maletas, y en tu sueño de una casa con verja blanca, 2 perros y una mini van. Y se que un dia no muy lejano, esa casa va a existir, con un patio hermoso para que Marcus y Olivia puedan jugar con los perros. Ahh, me preparas un cuarto para visitarte de vez en cuando....Korea? Hay que pensarlo, 14 horas de vuelo....pero si, esperame. Te amo y te extraño y a los nenes, cuanto me gustaria poder quedarme con ellos mientras tu y Sean se van de hangueo.......y si no llegara la casa, se feliz y disfruta empacando y desempacando con tus cuatro maletas. Es el sueño de muchos y tu lo estas viviendo. Disfruta la vida cada dia y se feliz.

JonJon said...

¡Hola, hola Tania! Bello, poderoso y profundo. Son muchas las vidas que se pueden identificar con la tuya. Yo soy uno y claro que mi Esposita Amada aún más. No hay un "user manual" para tomar las desiciones que tomamos, ni para vivir la vida y mucho menos para criar a nuestros hijos, pero TU mi qurida hermana; eres una General. Tu vida es única y especial. Has sacrificado mucho más sueños de los que describes de manarea tán linda aquí..... y lo más lindo es que lo haces por tu Familia. ¡Te Amo, te admiro y estoy loco por verte mañana!

Marcia Pacheco said...

Tania, a un año de haber escrito esto, estás en una nueva dirección postal y parece tan nuevo como la primera vez que lo leí. Lágrimas bajan por mis mejillas mientras leo no sólo tu relato sino las contestaciones que te hacen los demás. Curiosamente, el último reply es de JonJon (P.S. ..muy orgullosa de que se puso ese nombre aquí porque ese nombre YO SE LO PUSE ^_^) y lo último que dice es: "¡Te amo, te admiro y estoy loco por verte mañana!" ¡Wow! Qué casualidad que leo esto a uno o dos días de tu llegada a Boston, a encontrarte con JonJon. Espero que este nuevo capítulo te obsequie la estabilidad postal que tu alma añora y que las experiencias que coseches en Boston sean tan gratificantes como todas las anteriores, que tus hijos hagan amigos inseparables, que encuentres otro grupo de BFF's y que todas esas hermosas personas que ya conocieron a mi hermana sigan siendo parte importante de su vida. Te amo lil sis. Voy a ti y pago doble. Besotes desde Puerto Rico.