Thinking, thinking, talking, talking, talking about it...
I had a great role model, I had good values, my partner was a great man and we were great together...Why not? I could do this...
On my 12th week appointment, we found out the heartbeat we once heard, had stopped...
I did not know just how much I loved this little thing until then.
I asked and asked, over and over and over; "Pleeeease, check again!", "What did I do wrong?", "Why?"... My last question; "are you 100% sure?". When he said yes. I felt as if my world crumbled. My heart dropped, my knees got weak and I cried like NEVER before. He asked if I wanted to do a test to find out what went wrong, and I said no. What's the point. It was gone, a test is not gonna make me feel any better or less sad. I was sure I knew exactly what went wrong.... Me!
I thought of myself as the worst kind of Mom...One that doubted herself so much that made her kid die. : (
I had the D&C the day after. I cried for a week straight, then I stopped. I did some research, I talked to some friends that had gone through the same thing. I realized it was not my fault! Miscarriages are actually very common and it happens to 25% of all pregnancies. People just don't talk much about it.
From then the baby seed was in my head & I promised myself that if I ever become a Mother, I would try to be the best I could.
Marky came two years after! This time I was confident & loved him from the first + + : )
|Mixed kids, Korea-puertorrican kids, Korean-american kids, korean american, Puerto Rico, Boricua en la luna, miscarriage, aborto natural, d&c, natural miscarriage, it's not your fault|
I now feel so blessed & grateful to have two beautiful kids, whom I adore. My life is definitely different than what it used to be. At the same time it is so, so, soooo much better! You become all those cliches you hated when you were not a parent. You enter this wonderful new world, of infinite, unconditional and the purest of loves. A world you did not know existed & you would NOT understand until you become one yourself. No other love compares as it IS the greatest of loves.
Being a Mother is just about the hardest job, but also the most gratifying one. When one day (which happens to be a Mother's Day) you wake up, and your 3 year old is standing next to your bed staring at you and says; "Good morning guys! First of all let me tell you, I love you Mommy".... priceless....
It's all worth it! : )
I don't know if I am the best Mother, but I try my very hardest to be a good one.
I had the best example and it's funny how I find myself saying things to Markus that my Mom said to me! I miss & love you Carmen Garcia. You were the best Mom I could have had. Thank you for raising me the way you did, your sacrifices and your infinite love. I now know & understand. And I only strive to be 1/4 of the Mom you were to me.
Happy Mother's Day!!!
|Mother's day, on mother's day, korea, seoul, Puerto Rico en Seoul, Boricua en Korea, Puertorriquenos en Korea, miscarriage, aborto natural, d&c, natural miscarriage, unconditional love, pure love, on life|
People say Mother's day should be celebrated every day. I don't agree. I like it just the way it is. I enjoy having that one special day to celebrate Motherhood. It's nice to look back and remember all the things you've gone through that led you to the place you are now.
As for my day, It was great! Thank you Sean, for making it a very special one. I love you and I couldn't be the Mother I am without your unconditional support!
I surely will look up this post in the future (when my kids are bratty teenagers...lol) to remember the good old days, and how great & special this day was to me.
I love you Mom!
Happy Mother's Day to everybody!
Love & enjoy your kids as much as you can before they grow up! Time goes by fast & it won't wait for anyone.
PS.... Now if I could only have my old body back... Life isn't perfect, but how boring would it be if it was! New goal! hehehe...