Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Letting go... (Mom talk)

It's been a couple of weeks since I posted anything. We've been recovering from our horrible cold. After the kids and I got better, Sean got sick... therefore, it's been some busy days, trying to rest, trying to get better and trying to get over the sadness and emotional stress that I've given myself over the fact that I might just be done breastfeeding.

I suffer from a bit of separation anxiety, don't know why, maybe because the few people I have near me, I don't want them going anywhere. Having my Mom on the other side of the world, Sean going on a work related trip, Marky going to School or to School trips without me... I hate separations. I hate letting go.

I breastfed Markus till he was 11 1/2 months. The first 3-4 months were "hell"... I wanted to give up everyday. I wanted to give him formula so bad. I cried so many nights cause he just never got full, he wanted to be on me 24-7. He ate, after 1/2 hour helping him fall asleep, he slept 35 to 40 minutes, and there he was again, wanting more. I was exhausted. Sean was exhausted...
With the support of a a Breastfeeding Group, our baby's Dr. and friends experiences, I hung in there. I thought, If I've made it this far, why not keep going & I read Becoming Baby Wise (didn't do it exactly, but got the general idea on what to do) Soon enough he was six months old, he started on solids, cereal on the night time feedings, baths, showers, books during bedtime routines... It was all good, and I was happy!
I didn't stop B.Fdng. because I wanted to, but because he didn't want it anymore. If anything, I tried to force him into wanting more. : (... didn't work, he was done. I got so sad, It was so hard letting go. What started as the most difficult thing in the world, became one of the greatest and most beautiful parts of my life. And I didn't want to end it. I wasn't ready, but he was.

With Olivia it was all Peaches & Cream, smooth ride from the start. I had milk come in since before she was born. She never lost weight, she slept well, ate every two hours in the beginning, then three in a matter of a week. I was pumping ounces & ounces, managed to fill a whole drawer of milk in our tiny, tiny European Style fridge (freezer). Had no more space, stopped pumping. I was a full on Cow! Life was good!... then came the Bronchitis.

After I got sick, I noticed my milk supply suffered little. Maybe it was the meds. Maybe I've been tired, maybe, maybe, so many maybes...

She is now 4 1/2 months, still feeds 8-9 times a day, 20-30 min. each side at a time, not wanting to let go, trying her best to get as much as she can out, from both sides, to the point where it hurts. She is still hungry. She started waking up every hour to eat, starving.  I'm having my vitamins, resting (since Marky is at School). Tried Fenugreek, beer, now trying a tea... but it is still not working. When I pump for 40 minutes, I take out half an ounce, from both!!!

This is when I miss my Island, Proyecto Lacta, Desiree Pagan, Yana, Laura... whomever has done breastfeeding, that could tell me what to do. There is no "La Leche League" here. I think there was, a while ago, but no longer. I asked in some expat sites... nothing.

The stress of not knowing how to fix it, is not helping either.

For some reason I've felt as if I was letting so many people down, my Baby, my husband, BF community, myself. I was terrified to think I had to supplement my baby with formula, after all the reports and news I've heard of bugs in it, or this or that.  aghhhh....

I'm tired... I'm sorry...

If there's anything I've learned about parenting is that you have to trust your own instinct. You have to do what you feel is right. I started giving my Baby formula 2 days ago.  After a full BFdng. session, I offered the bottle, she gulped it down. Every sip she took, I saw it as if it was going down in slow motion. She slept in our room that night, we needed to make sure she was OK and know how she would react to it. Glad to say, No bad reaction, TG : )

I'm still BFdng. 8 times a day, supplementing with formula, 2-4 oz. whenever I feel she needs more. She looks good. I don't feel frustrated or so terrible about it anymore.
I can't control my body or my milk supply, and if I dry up,  she still has to eat.  I'll do what I have to do to feed her. I'm gonna let go of all my worries & I am going to stop being so hard on myself.

Sometimes you just gotta get over it (whatever it is), and let go... : )


PS.... We are going back soon!!!!!! yeayyyyyy


Alexandra said...

Tania, el libro de Becoming Baby Wise me salvó en gran parte la vida especialmente cuando tenía que volver a trabajar en 6 semanas!!! Yo lloraba porque en el hospital me decían una cosa, las de la lactancia otra y este libro me ayudo con la rutina y descifrar todo un poco mejor. No hice todo con exactitud ya que algunas cosas no tenían mucho del instinto maternal, pero lo de la rutina sí! Dejé de producir leche a los 6 meses de Stella porque había mucho stress. También tengo que decir que la formula ayudó en el sentido de saber cuanto de leche ella se tomaba ya que lactando uno no sabe cuanto el bebé está comiendo. En fin, lactar es mucho mejor en mi opinión, pero si no se puede simplemente no se puede y no eres mala madre por eso. Sigue así, eres tremenda mamá :)

Tania said...

hehe... Gracias! La verdad tantas opiniones confunden a uno. Eso me paso con Markus. Por eso pienso que uno tiene que hacer lo que este correcto para uno. Yo siempre escucho consejos y tomo y dejo de ellos lo que me guste o no. Esta vez no tengo a nadie dandome opiniones, asi que hago lo que creo o puedo.
En PR tenia a la pediatra que es bien pro-lactancia y siempre me terminaba diciendo que hacer. Pero el que tengo aqui no lo es para nada... si es por el ya ella hubiese estado en formula desde el primer mes...lol
A mucha gente no le gusta el libro, porque dicen que es muy estricto, pero la verdad uno lee y hace lo que a su propio juicio cree correcto. Yo lei varios el mas que me ayudo es este. El Markus es el mejor con sus horas de dormir y siestas. Tengo toda la coleccion de Baby Wise's... lol
Todavia queda "alguito", asi que seguire hasta que se termine por completo! hehehe.....

caminar said...

Tania, siempre he dicho que esto de ser madre es una tormenta de emociones. Las cosas no siempre se dan como soñamos, pero siempre seras la mejor madre para tus hijos. Eres una guerrera y te admiro por eso.
Tengo algo para ti http://caminar-aflordepiel.blogspot.com/2012/02/premio-liebster.html

Tania said...

Gracias!!!!!! : D <3 <3 <3